A confident woman stands with arms crossed in front of a brick wall

“Men’s Actions Are Women’s Fault”: The Oldest Rule of Victim Blaming, and How to Break It

by Life Coaching Today Network | Nov 9, 2026

By Maxx Angenetta Jones (Just Ask Maxx), Founder, Life Coaching Today

Key Points

A post shared by the Women in World History page put it plainly: “The first rule of misogyny: men’s actions are women’s fault.”
We hear it every day: “What did she do to make him cheat?” “Why did she wear that?” “She should have left sooner.”
Accountability belongs to the person who made the choice. Always.

When I saw that post from Women in World History, I stopped scrolling. Eight words, and it explained something I have watched happen in families, churches, courtrooms and comment sections my whole life.

He cheats, and people ask what she wasn’t doing at home. He hits her, and people ask why she made him angry. He harasses a woman at work, and people ask what she wore. Somehow, the man’s choice keeps ending up on the woman’s bill.

Where We Learn It

Most of us were not taught this on purpose. We absorbed it. Girls get told to cover up so boys won’t be “distracted.” Boys get told “boys will be boys.” Little by little, we raise girls to manage men’s behavior and raise boys to believe their behavior is somebody else’s job to manage.

And women do it to each other, too. Sometimes the loudest “what did she expect?” comes from another woman. That is usually fear talking: if I can find what she did wrong, I can tell myself it won’t happen to me.

What Victim Blaming Does to People

It keeps survivors quiet. Why tell anyone if you will be blamed?
It keeps women in bad relationships. “If I just try harder, he’ll stop.”
It robs men of growth. A man who never has to own his choices never has to change them.

The Coaching Moment

I am a big believer in looking at your own part. In coaching, I will ask a woman what she saw early on, what she ignored and why she stayed. That is not blame. That is power, because it is about her future choices. But there is a line, and here it is: you are responsible for your choices. You are never responsible for his.

Change the question. Instead of “Why did she stay?” ask “Why did he hurt her?”
Catch it in your own mouth. Notice when you defend someone’s bad behavior by pointing at the person they hurt.
Raise sons on ownership. “What choice did you make?” is a question every boy should hear often.
Raise daughters on worth. Teach her that being treated badly is information about him, not proof about her.
Men, hold each other. Accountability lands harder from a brother than from anyone else.

If you are in a relationship where everything is always your fault, that is a red flag, and it is one I wrote about in my Red Flags book. If you need to talk tonight, Relationship Rescue is there 24/7. If you are not safe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.