Illustration of a couple pulling opposite ends of a rope in a tug-of-war

He Said, She Said: When Your Relationship Turns Into a Tug-of-War, Nobody Wins

by Life Coaching Today Network | Nov 9, 2026

By Maxx Angenetta Jones (Just Ask Maxx), Founder, Life Coaching Today, for the He Said, She Said column with Zach Miers and Kiddada Asmara Grey

Key Points

In a tug-of-war, one side has to lose for the other to win. That is a terrible way to run a relationship.
Most couples are not fighting about the dishes or the money. They are fighting to be heard.
The goal is not to win the argument. It is to get on the same side of the rope.

He Said, She Said is the column where Zach Miers brings the man’s side, Kiddada Asmara Grey brings the woman’s side, and I step in as the coach in the middle. The picture for this week says it all: two people pulling one rope as hard as they can, both sure they are right, both getting tired, and nobody moving forward.

How a Conversation Becomes a Tug-of-War

It usually starts small. He says, “You never let me finish.” She says, “Because you never listen anyway.” Now nobody is talking about the original problem. They are pulling the rope.

From the “he said” side, a lot of men tell us they feel criticized and like nothing they do is enough, so they dig in. From the “she said” side, a lot of women tell us they feel ignored and like they have to get louder to get through, so they pull harder. Both are reacting to the same thing: not feeling heard.

Signs You Are Stuck Pulling

You keep score: who apologized last, who paid last, who started it.
You bring up old fights in new ones.
You plan your answer while your partner is still talking.
Winning feels better than fixing.
You walk away from arguments tired, not closer.

The Coaching Moment: How to Put the Rope Down

One person talks, one person repeats. Before you answer, say back what you heard: “So you’re saying you feel like I don’t help unless you ask.” You’d be shocked how many fights end right there.
Name the real issue. Ask, “What are we actually fighting about?” It is rarely the thing on the table.
Take a 20-minute break, not a 3-day silence. Say, “I need 20 minutes and then I’m coming back.” Then come back.
Look for the “we.” Instead of “You always…” try “We keep getting stuck on…” You just moved to the same side of the rope.
Get a referee when you need one. Some fights need a neutral person. That is not failure. That is wisdom.

Send Us Your Tug-of-War

Got a fight that keeps coming back in your house? Send it to us. Zach will take his side, Kiddada will take hers, and I will tell you both the truth. Book a free discovery call or, if the rope is about to snap tonight, call Relationship Rescue and talk to a coach 24/7.