October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and cities and states across the country have been lighting buildings purple and signing proclamations. That matters. But awareness only helps if it changes what we notice in the people right next to us.
Abuse is more common than most people want to believe. Boston’s city council noted this month that about one in four women and one in seven men experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Chances are, somebody you love has lived it or is living it now.
It doesn’t always look like bruises
Most of the abuse I’ve seen in my years as a relationship coach and mediator started quietly. Watch for these changes in a friend:
- She cancels plans often, and always because “he wants me home.”
- She has to check in constantly, or he answers her phone.
- She suddenly has no access to money, or has to explain every purchase.
- She apologizes for things that aren’t her fault, or seems scared of making him upset.
- She’s pulled away from family and friends she used to love.
- He “jokes” about her in ways that sting, in front of other people.
How to help without pushing her away
Listen more than you talk. “I’m worried about you, and I’m here no matter what” goes further than “You need to leave him.”
Don’t give ultimatums. Leaving is often the most dangerous time. She knows her situation better than you do. Your job is to stay a safe place.
Believe her. Even if he seems charming to you. Especially if he seems charming to you.
Share the hotline quietly. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. It’s free and available 24/7.
And if this is you
If you’re reading this and recognizing your own life, please hear me: it is not your fault, and you are not crazy. Call the hotline from a phone he can’t see. If you’re in danger right now, call 911.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
Talk privately with a Life Coaching Today coach: Find a Coach.
📕 Red Flags: A Woman’s Survival Guide to Dating in the Manosphere by Georgia Ann Hunter Jones and Kiddada Asmara Grey. Get your copy here.
Just Ask Maxx is a Master Relationship Coach, Master Hypnotherapist, Certified NLP Practitioner and Certified Divorce Mediator with Life Coaching Today. Email justaskmaxx@gmail.com or call 215-888-5362.
